I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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