Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
