umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
