I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
