Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
