I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
