OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
