I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
