I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
