Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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