You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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