i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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