and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
