He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
