So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
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I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
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By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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