I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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