I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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