My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
