I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
