I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
