when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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