So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
