How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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