So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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