All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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