oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
