He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
