Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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