I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize