Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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