I think my fart just growled at me.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
