I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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