Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
