Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
