I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
