I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
When did angry sex become our thing?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
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