Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
