Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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