I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
