Where is the hickey?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
