I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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