Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
