when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
