I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
