Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
