did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
