We're facebook friends in real life
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
