last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
