I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
