One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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