Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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