Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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