these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I deserve this hangover.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
