Pappa wants mamma naked
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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