What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
