Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
